Hi, so yes I finally returned and write this journal and yet I'm still very embarrassed about writing this journal again due to my long absence. However I shall not give in but just continue on writing this whenever it urges me to write from boredom or... w/e.

Anyway, I've been lately often asked one question that whether I'm happy or not, the question's usually casted by my mom and sis.

well, during my childhood, I answered this sort of questions by JUST SAYING "YES" without taking time to have real thought. but now all that I've grown up(supposedly; and suffered some bitterness of my life, I can't spit the answer right away out of my mouth now. And this quuestion also brought me to think that is it so important to say I'm happy to let other people know? and what's it if I'm not? does that mean my life's a failure compare to the others?
The begining of this year wasn't so nice for me, working on college apps, and saying bye to my dear friends in US gave me a greaf and stress. I even felt that I'm gonnabe such a loner all in my life. Ever since then, I don't want to say anything I don't meant it.( but don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that I hate my life) It's more like... I just wanted stop pretending I'm ok when I was not

Saying that you're happy is really easy thing to do, sometime people just say it to let
other people know that you're happy even though you're not,liek your family, relatives, and friends. it's really convenient. I used to do it all the time sometime to protect myself from other people's concerns... and curiousities( which is horribly annoying -_-)

Being happy is really great thing to do I think, but I disagree with other people's common concepts of having happiness is the ultimate goal of human life. I think of a life as an abstract painting. it has so many ambigous structures and colors on canvas that finally forms a beautiful piece. whether it's hideous or pretty, just existence of it is awesome.


anyway it was just all I had in my head. I had to put it all in my journal otherwise it'd be more tangled up in my head.